L'avenir and good cheer

Most of you know I chose/God chose for me not to go to grad school after my senior year of college, and that since then I've been job- and home-hopping. I told myself that I would try teaching and research for 2 years, then choose between the two and what I want to go to grad school for. If I want to go to grad school after said 2 years, I would need to apply this fall.

Hence a deluge of thinking the past few months. Not quite brooding, at least not most days; however, it is indeed heavy thinking. It's quite easy to do when I have 20-30 minute stretches of walking between nest sites at work while being attentive to little more than making sure I don't fall off the road.

I'm not done thinking yet. God, however, has been culturing this decision in me for a while. Previous grad school interviews, being among the women at Grace church this year, teaching, recent words from friends experiencing similar things, seeing the life of a non-believing researcher, conducting research myself, and of course Him speaking to me in the Word and myriad other ways are all combining to make this decision.

Of late, John 16:25-33:
"I have said this to you in figures; the hour is coming when I shall no longer speak to you in figures but tell you plainly of the Father. In that day you will ask in my name; and I do not say to you that I shall pray the Father for you; for the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I cam efrom the Father. I came from the Father and have come into the world; again, I am leaving the world and going to the Father."
His disciples said, "Ah, now you are speaking plainly, not in any figure! Now we know that you know all things, and need none to question you; by this we believe that you came from God." Jesus answered them, "Do you now believe? The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, every man to his home, and will leave me alone; yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said this to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

I read this last night and can't really explain how or why, but it was more comforting than months of telling myself that, no matter what my decision, God will love me and care for me. Somehow this passage drove it heart-home. And in Him I have peace.

Then today, after some serious all-day pondering that started at about 6:51AM as I was walking to the boat to work, I was making dinner and resonated with
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus Third Day, "Take my life".

It's a simple, sincere song, that I need to sing in my heart every day but particularly now. Maybe this rambling & vagueness would all make more sense if I said just exactly what's going through my mind at the moment, however, I'd prefer to wait on that. Pride, gifts, talents, wounds, growth, dreams, vessels, glory, beauty, peace, and desire are some of the larger factors bouncing around in my heart and mind. Let's just say it's not a decision I would have seen coming even a few months ago, but I'd prefer to dialogue about it personally while the thinking & deciding is still in progress.

Yeah, that's a lot of rambling and a lot of words, but it's all pretty important to me and, although it's very much an amorphous lump of dirt right now, I feel God is shaping and giving life to something amazing & different for me. Ok, that does sound vauge & weird. Anyway, what you can do is talk to me about it and pray for me about it - pray for peace in thinking (since most of you know that thinking isn't usually a light matter for me) & no brooding; for God's guidance and me to listen fully and attentively; and for me to do what He says & go where He leads; and for me to let go of pride that holds to self-glorifying dreams and instead to joyfully reach for & cling to what gives Him the most glory.