beauty for ashes

I'm glad weeks don't end on Thursdays.

2010-08-27T21:16:00.002-04:00

We're leaving again for Key Largo on Sunday (at 5am!) to tear down an old experiment. 9 people in 2 vehicles and in a 2-bedroom apartment. I need some serious prayer for sanity and good relationships with people because that is not an all-encompassing definition of "environment where I do not thrive", but it is certainly close. I'll also be more tired than most of them because - hooray!! - my advisor's letting me finish up some work there that I started last year, so I can work on wrapping that up and publishing it and it should end up being a thesis chapter. I'm very much looking forward to finishing something for once with my research.

It's been a long week, and I'm exhausted (I think I've been in the lab past 11pm at least 3-4 out of the last 14 days? And lots of things going wrong), but I should be ready to go on this trip, and it's Friday, which means I need to find things to rejoice about.

1) I made a sweet penetrometer yesterday with the help of a friend in mechanical engineering. I can't find any pictures online, but it's basically a tool to measure leaf "toughness" (not a physicist's "toughness"...it's a combination of a few forces...if done better could measure real forces), made of two plates bolted together with a leaf sandwiched in the middle. There's a small hole going through the middle of the two plates over which the leaf is centered. You take a cup with a needle glued perpindicular to the bottom (cup faces up, needle faces down), put it in the hole resting on the leaf, then fill it with water, sand, (in my case, lead shot) until the needle pierces through the leaf. So it's a relative measure of "how hard is it to pierce the leaf. Using this for my research. Made it out of thick plexiglas plates I ordered, and a friend helped me drill it out. It's about the most professional-looking penetrometer I've seen (though I've admittedly seen few simple ones like this), and the see through plexiglas looks awesome with a leaf/seaweed in it and at angles things look all distorted and it's just great.

2) Women's Bible study started again. Though I won't get to go as much as I'd like, I'm very excited to have community and study again where I feel safe and fed.

3) I'm super thankful for labmates who offer to help me even though my head's spinning so fast I can't think and probably am not pleasant to be around, there's no reason for them to help me, and I'm not even around for the helping (I had to go to Bible study and someone offered to pack for the trip for me and watched one of my chemical things I had going on, and then someone who was going to Home Depot found things I needed but didn't even know exactly what I was looking for). It's very calming and a good foundation for good relationships on a stressful trip (reminds me that I can't be judgmental & tired & grouchy all the time because it's never warranted).

4) This week was stressful because I didn't know if I'd even have the permit necessary to do my work in Florida; finally found out this afternoon that it'll likely come in early next week. This is very good news.

5) My old roommate is back in town for a brief visit. Huzzah!! I'm really enjoying hanging out with her.

Not-quite-Friday-5

2010-08-19T22:31:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted on here in a looong, looong, time. I don't know that anyone will even read this now - If someone posts anew on the internet, and no one's around to see it, does it even exist? But I'm going to pretend, for a few weeks at least.

The last year+ has been insane. Lots of travel & lots of work, mixed with passing my qualifying exams and some good but tough spiritual refining, though more in the midst of the latter (and therefore feeling backsliding) than seeing its end product.

But that's not the point of this post. Talking to a dear friend earlier this week reminded me that my perspective (& relationship with the God who's more in control & loving than I think) will likely improve if I start focusing on "what's going good" instead of what's going poorly. She also does this Friday Fave Five thing (http://www.jaeyde.blogspot.com/) and I'm thinking maybe it'd be a good thing to start as well, so I HAVE to look for good things throughout the week. Though I may not stick to Fridays, 'cause, well...I don't want to today.

So the good things from this week:

1. The most AMAZING honeydew melon I've ever eaten. Oh. my. goodness. Honeydew's usually the kinda bland, overly sweet, unsettling-'cause-it's-green melon that's only used in fruit salads and Bath & Body Works products. But this week the grocery store had King of the West Honeydews on sale, and I'd even put off eating it for a few days because I wasn't super excited, but I had some tonight and it was deeeeeelicious. Best melon I've ever eaten, the first time in quite a while that I've really really really enjoyed what I was eating (probably first time since papaya + lime in Fiji). So good, I wish I could post some on here that you could taste.

2. I got to hang out with friends a bit this week; lunch with a friend from church, and then today taking a semi-boring research ethics course with friends from the department (mandatory course). It was nice with the friend from church to find she's struggling in some of the same ways with connecting at our church, and just talk in a meaningful way with someone here in Atlanta. Meaningful conversation seems hard to come by, though occassional phone calls with college/camp friends helps that a lot. And then hanging out with friends today (& tomorrow) during class helped with a bit of the loneliness I've been dealing with lately post-Fiji.

3. Because I was sitting still in a very chilly classroom today, I got to wear jeans and my purple high-top chucks. Just a little it-made-my-day thing :)

4. Similarly, it's been slightly cooler the last couple of days because the sun's been hiding a little bit more. So nice! Can't wait for good sleeping weather in a month!

5. My parents are awesome. A problem came up last night with roommate logistics (not terrible in and of itself...but the last straw of a pile of small things that have been breaking me down lately)...and my parents fielded a very tearful phone call home, helped me think things through a little and calm down, and offered to help with it however they could. I feel a little stupid being not-totally-independent at my age...but I'm very thankful for how great my parents are. There may be a feasible solution to this problem, too, at least in the short term...we'll see.

That's 5! Maybe tomorrow God will give me a cool bug to play with to round out the week :) (here's hoping!)

oof

2009-05-09T16:42:00.002-04:00

The semester's done - I've officially survived my first (academic) year of grad school (not counting the summer yet) - yay! It was a somewhat arduous semester, anyway, so I'm glad it's done. The last couple weeks without classes haven't been much better in terms of busyness - it's a scramble to get everything done before we leave for the field season.

Speaking of which, in about 6 days from now, I'll be leaving for Key Largo for a month to help another grad student on their project. This project involves SCUBA and slugs - score! I'm excited, albeit a little frantic with finishing projets and packing and taking care of paperwork before I go. Please pray for sanity and serenity and that everything will get taken care of. Also please pray for a close relationship with God while I'm away because I likely won't have a chance to go to work. I may be out of contact during this time as well, so if I don't respond to you promptly during that time, that's why.

ouch

2009-03-24T12:22:00.002-04:00

People make fun of me because of how cautious I am. Please note, I'm lots better than I used to be, and take more risks now.

However

Given the rate at which I hurt myself now, despite being careful, I can only imagine (and shudder at) how often I'd be injured and how large my ER bill would be if I was less careful. I'm just too accident-prone; I even wrote a poem as a freshman in college about how accident-prone I was.

Usually it's just bruises and bumps of whose origin I haven't got the foggiest (e.g., Africa). Others, I know exactly what happened (e.g., Humphrey and Morpheus). Often, it's walking into a door frame or skinning my knuckles on the cheese grater or smacking my head on a cabinet. Sometimes it's just weird...like the iron imprinted onto my arm, or the scars from a lizard biting me. Yesterday's less-than-intelligent case in point: I sa-MASHED my thumb opening our living room window (it's hard to explain how without a visual of the window; just know it took a pretty hard pinch/hit, enough to put an ice pack on it). I'd probably have broken it had I hit it nearer to the joint. It hurts a lot now (and has already started turning pretty colors, that will likely be a rainbow in a week or so).

Anyway, you can make fun of me for being cautious if you want - but I've got reason.

A week of small happinesses

2009-03-19T14:08:00.002-04:00

It's spring break, which means I don't have to teach or hand in homework. I've never been so stoked about spring break before, possibly because I've now gone two years without it. It's wonderful - less work, and more time sleeping. My roommate and I did no work all weekend. So, having less book work/studying (although I need to do lots between now and Monday), this week has permitted small things that have made me happier:

- Going swimming!

- Cooking corned beef and cabbage on Sunday, like a good 1/16 Irish girl. It turned out quite well, and I have enough to feed an army.

- Watching "the gods must be crazy" Sunday night. VERY funny; that actor is a master of slapstick.

- Making corned beef & cabbage spirals Monday night (an invention/adaptation of mine) and...

- making my favoritest Mel - & - Mom sugar cookies (I'd say Heckman family, but she's Shelton-Heckman, and it just gets complicated). They're my favorite cookies ever, and I got to make them again for the first time in ages - using a snail cookie cutter, none the less!

- Wearing my hair in pigtails & a bandana Monday, with a fleece and chacos. It was camp chic, and I felt so much more like myself than I do in most other clothes.

- Biking with a friend from church Tuesday morning, out to Decatur and back. It was nice to go long enough to actually use all my gears, and not have to stop at a light every block. Of course, the time with a friend was wonderful, too.

- Sleeping in, did I mention that?

- This Saturday, I should be headed to Rita's for some free wooder ice!

art intersecting life

2009-03-13T18:10:00.009-04:00

Sometimes art captures life better than I can. Here's what I've been dwelling with lately. All are YouTube links because it's just easier and openly accessible.

"Resistor", by Brave Saint Saturn

Of late, this song has been a cautionary tale about where I might end up if I try to do everything myself, a truthful depiction of where I feel like things often are here, but also a reassuring picture of the community around me.

"The Guy That Says Goodbye to You" by Griffin House

A dear friend sent this to me a couple weeks ago, after hearing about some things that happened in February. I'm used to getting this sentiment as reassurance from friends (the standard "he doesn't know what he's missing, you're great", etc. etc. - clearly that never sunk in for me as something I believed). It's something I've struggled with even believing for God's view of me. But somehow...somehow...the chorus of this song finally drove it heart-home. Helped a lot that week.

"I Remember" by Griffin House

I started listening to more of Griffin House's music, and I really really like it. This one just kinda captures how torn I feel between honoring the men who have fought and are fighting and are laying down their lives to protect me, and what Christ would think of war.

"The Mollusk" by Ween

Ok, this is not a song I resonate with. But my officemate showed it to me and, surprise, I liked it a lot. Too bad there aren't more songs about mollusks.

As for how life is...February was rough. I'm glad it's over. And next week is spring break - no homework due!! WUHOO!

many many things

2009-02-15T15:39:00.004-05:00

Again, I haven't posted in a while. Such is grad school life, it seems, and it saddens me. But I'm giving up TV for Lent (clearly haven't made good on the last post), so...I should be speaking or writing to you personally soon.

Things with school haven't been very good, this semester, academically at least (socially is fine, which is a change). I had my first exam in 3 years this past Friday (since I've been out of school, and since I had none first semester). I did not study well at all, but hopefully it went ok. I think I still have retained my studying efficiency that I had somehow developed my senior year...i.e., I think God's got my back during exams & studying, because it's not me. I have two more exams this week. I probably should be studying instead of writing, but I feel this is too long overdue. I'm still frustrated because I don't feel like I'm being offered the courses I need to get the education I want - the school discontinued most of the courses they had advertised, and upon which I had accepted a position here, because the special grant funding those courses had run out.

The research project I was working on and which had gone well first semester tanked in January. I was just supposed to run one little experiment - what my previous work had been driving at - and ran into a million little issues, and it just didn't work. Frustrating. Then my other advisor, with whom I'd been planning another project, decided it was going to be too much work to get the fish he'd recommended. So, another project idea got thrown around last week...which we again have none of the materials or test animals for...so who knows. This also feels frustrating because I feel like I'm going to be far behind in my research, as I'm still doing none of my own and, right now, likely won't get another project off the ground this semester.

Teaching, at least, is going fine.

I've joined my church here, which is great...but it's going through a lot of changes because it's growing. I think I've turned into a bit of a commitment-phobe with all of my moving around and not being settled.

This has also played out in discouragement with small groups - I've been here since August, and still haven't found a small group Bible study. And I think the problem is that I'm looking for "small group" and "inductive Bible study." Many small groups just talk, no study...and the ones that do study, I have a hard time with the study.

I know that inductive Bible study isn't "the right way" to study the Bible, but it's what I'm used to, and I do find many merits to it (and faults with other ways of studying). One is that it levels the playing field and is welcoming of seekers, new Christians, and long-term Christians, because no knowledge (except maybe a historical background and Strong's concordance/word meanings) are brought in. Here in Atl, conversation usually devolves into much discussion of theological concepts and traditional church question/lessons. I'll be honest, even though I've known Jesus for 5 years and kindasorta went to church, all of it still makes me feel like an outsider, because I'm not well-versed in it. I don't even really want to imagine what it would be like to a new Christian, to go to one of those studies. And so with truly inductive study, both seekers and new Christians and long-standing ones can engage meaningfully with the Word, regardless of background knowledge.

And, secondly, I don't think Bible study is the place for our theological opinions. I find there to be something far more humble, supplicating, and honest about coming to the text and asking God to speak to us, rather than us coming to the text and telling each other and God what we think it means and how we relate to it. I'm pretty post-modern...but the (pre-modernity? modernity? pre-post-modernity, at any rate) of inductive study, the reliance on what's there instead of what I think...is so refreshing and revealing. I get out of my head and into the Word, out of my own head and into the Godhead, to truly listen and meet with Him. If all we do is sit around and ask "what do we think about this passage and how does it relate to us?", we're essentially studying ourselves, and not the Lord who wrote it.

I don't get this hung-up about studies that aren't directly focused on the Word, although I do have issues with some doctrine that exists based on logic or to fill a purpose, rather than being drawn directly from God. But it matters to me that we study the Word in a way in which we can actually hear from God.

In short, I miss PennIV. I miss Superblock and JamPakt, in all of our brooding self-awareness and oddities. I miss the community, and the closeness, and the ability to share...and the deep listening to God's word. I miss our Monday night Bible-study planning meetings so so very much.

And I miss camp, where I was free to be myself...a condition I'm finding much easier at work than at church, because I'm around the folks at work more, and that duality and sense of repression saddens me. I miss being not-quiet and making dumb jokes and playing with snails and being organized and people understanding and loving that, and having that same reciprocal relationship with everyone else.

I miss lots of people and social and religious concepts/themes/traditions/whathaveyou.

the end for today.

New post for a new year

2009-01-01T10:30:00.002-05:00

I didn't do anything particularly festive for New Year's (although I did make chocolate covered strawberries and toasted with my roommate and her boyfriend using sparkling cider). I watched Invincible and nurtured my love for Philly, while I organized my papers and bills. I had this mound of papers I hadn't really sorted since, oh, May, and last night just sat down and went through it. I haven't got any real resolutions for the new year, but at least I'm going into it slightly more organized :).

Break was good, if short. The day after I got home we had a nasty storm. Thankfully, I was headed up to the Poconos for a summer camp staff reunion and my friend was driving. While all we got was ice at home, there were about 8-10" of beautiful snow up in the wooded mountains. It was glorious. I had wanted snow when I went home, I just didn't expect that prayer to be answered so quickly or abundantly. I got to play in the snow, and go tubing and cross-country skiing on Saturday. I thoroughly enjoy cross-country skiing - so easy, and so much fun, and so peaceful too - and wish I lived somewhere where I could go cross-country skiing, well, ever. And Sunday it snowed again and I got to go for a walk by the waterfalls by myself before church, in the snow. Beautiful. Of course I enjoyed catching up with people, as well.

And that relates to one plan - not resolution, plan - for this semester/new year/however you'd like to frame it: I plan to keep in better contact with people. Maybe rather than watching TV when I get home, I'll write a letter each night, or make a phone call, or (unrelated to other people but for personal sanity) read a book or sew or do something else. It will likely make me feel much more peaceful and connected and less scattered & anxious. So if you're reading this, hopefully you'll hear from me soon.

Back to break: I definitely enjoyed my time at home. It was very busy, and not as restful as I'd hoped (thankfully I get some time this week, without classes or pressing work, to sleep in and take it easy, even though I'm at work for a few hours every day), but I got to spend time with my family and friends. I'm not ready to be back and am decidedly homesick already, but I suppose once life gets busy again I'll have less time to actively dwell on that. Hopefully this semester won't be underscored by the perpetual homesickness last semester was. I'm looking forward to church and community and what God's got in store with that this semester.

Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T13:42:00.004-05:00

Things have lifted a bit since the last post - the light at the end of the tunnel of this semester is quite visible and it's making me happy. God also used a women's retreat at church to help me make some friends, which helps now and will hopefully do so more in the future. Things aren't perfect, but my perspective's a bit better most days.

Anyway, since it's Thanksgiving, I sat down and made a list (in as many colors of markers as I could find) of things I'm thankful to God for. And in no particular order, I thank God...

That he's made me His daughter, His friend, His bride

That the semester's almost done!

For a warm apartment, warm clothes, warm blankets, and warm socks

That the Phillies won the WORLD SERIES!

For the luxury to give back

For abundant food

For comfort

For giving me an amazing roommate I get along so well with, have no conflict with, and just the perfect fit of it - as it was totally in His hands

For an apartment where I can find refuge & beauty & trees, in a lovely, calm, & safe neighborhood

For an amazing church with a passionate people and a passionate preacher

For breaking me on the women's retreat

For women from the retreat

For friends from home who love and pray for and reach out to me

For my lab and my new friends here and being welcomed so quickly

For fellow Philly fans

For coordinating my classes so they overlap and reducing my workload

For supportive advisors

For peanut butter and jelly and CHEERIOS

That teaching is going well

For my loving, amazing family

That I get to go home in three weeks!

That I have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving

For my "family" in Savannah

For my teddy bear

For giving me good teaching positions

That my life is in His hands

For people who understand & love me

For toesocks & pigtails & stocking caps

For my SIT's

For an amazing summer at camp

For the leadership team at camp

For letting me SCUBA dive

For friends' happiness

For placing me where He has

For good memories

That I haven't gotten hurt or sick since moving here

For the ocean

For His love

FOR SNAILS & SLUGS & INVERTEBRATES!

For healing & delivering me

For the bike from Uncle Jim

For the cabinets & computer from Uncle Bob & Uncle Mark

For sanity

For a place to play flute & glorify the Lord

For a mission field

Fora good landlord

For making ends meet

For sleep and rest

For baby carrot zombies (see upcoming post)

For play

...and the list goes on. Really it out to be infinitely long as God is infinitely good...but you know the saying about trees and pens and oceans and ink and sky and parchment.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! May God bless you richly as you reflect upon His beautiful bounty!

la vie en gris

2008-11-05T21:16:00.002-05:00

This is going to be a short post, so if you want more details, feel free to contact me.

I know I'm often a bit of a gloomy gus, and that probably influences this right now. But things either are not or do not seem to be going well right now. In a nutshell, I'm homesick, doing poorly in school, not plugging into community, and am questioning whether or not I'm even cut out to do this. The negative thinking enmeshed in all of this isn't entirely from me either, which I can see. In any case, if you've got some spare words when you're talking to God, if you wouldn't mind praying about it, that'd be great, because I don't currently see much of a prospect for getting myself out of this.

Thanks & love.

Phillies win the World Series!!!!!!

2008-10-29T22:32:00.001-04:00

They did it! They won! It's like Christmas in October! I wish I was in Philly celebrating with all the other fans! The curse of William Penn has been broken!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Names

2008-10-15T08:24:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I found an awesome French name website, and after tossing around a few ideas, here are the names of those things in the previous e-mail:

(drumroll please)...

My garbage disposal: Sheol (look back to Christmas post)

My bike: Aimeric (em-er-EEK), French version of a Nordic name, it means "home ruler"...which doesn't have anything to do with a bike. But I like it.

Plants:
Tall broad-leaved - Clara (as has been named for a while)
Many small-leaved plants that tend to spread - the Borg
(so yes, in one pot it is "Clara and the Borg)
Tall and spindly - Etienne (eh-tyEHNN) (French version of Stephanos, meaning "crown")

(it's really hard to write phonetically without phonetic symbols)

I may name my oven Beelzebub if it keeps acting up.

wanting more time

2008-09-29T21:13:00.004-04:00

**I will add pictures to this later, but it's been a long day and I'm missing friends, so I'm posting it now, sans pictures**

So I’m aware that it’s been forever since I wrote. I don’t have internet at home, and I often feel bad using the internet at work for non-work purposes (although I’m getting more used to it, especially because I work at home, so why not home at work, right?). I’ve been here in Atlanta for 6 weeks at least now, which is a long time. It’s been bumpy, but there have been some good things, and it’s growing on me.

I cooked an awesome dinner this week. It was the first time I’ve gotten to do real cooking since I’ve been here (pasta and sautéed everything and pb&j clearly do not count). It was vegetable tian with breaded chicken and rice. I could have picked a better combination of foods, but individually they weren’t too bad (and they weren’t bad together either, but it could have been a little more perfect). The tian was possibly one of the most attractive dishes I’ve made yet, and it was French, which was even better. It also caused me to fall in love with Gruyere cheese…so delicious. Mmm.

These are my plants. I’ve been really stuck on naming things here and haven’t been able to come up with fitting names for them yet. The one with large leaves is Clara; she used to live with Rufus and George the cacti, but Rufus rotted out and George is slowly passing away (yes, I am skilled enough to kill a cactus). The tall spindly one is male (I decided), and I think the smaller ones surrounding clara are female…but I just can’t name them. They make me happy, though. *Tall one may be Edsel or Giuseppe, and the short ones may be Elsa. Still taking suggestions.

I am also having a horrid problem naming my “new” bike (my uncle found it in a dump and fixed it up for me, and I love it). It’s an old Schwinn Worldsport, and just looks so lithe (elegant, slender, athletic, graceful, agile – lithe). I feel a little weird riding it because I’m not the world’s greatest city rider, nor have I really ridden hills before. I’m getting used to it, but the gears are a little messed up on it still and that makes hills more difficult of course. Riding in the city is definitely something else. I love not having to drive to work, and my 25-30 minute walk to campus cuts down to 5-10 on my bike (depending on traffic and construction). I feel much more environmentally friendly this way. Most of the way in, there’s a bike lane, so that helps greatly. I have ridden on more crowded streets, and that’s still nervewracking. Maybe I’ll work my way up to that. People tend to ride on the sidewalks a lot here too, which is less than optimal for the pedestrians. I try not to. But this is my bike. I think it deserves a good European or Asian name, but I’m not coming up with much that fits its look. Any suggestions would be very very welcome. *Currently mulling Didier, or maybe Loic.
Classes have been going well, although it’s of course hard and more than a little overwhelming. I feel like I’m never getting enough done, but, as I’ve been told, they’ll let you know if you need to work harder, so don’t stress too much about it. I’ve so far gotten a good reaction from my advisor about the research that I’d like to do, so that’s really exciting. Yay sea slug defenses! I really like my labmates, they’re all really friendly and it’s been great getting to know them.
I may have found a church, as well, but will give more details on that as it develops in terms of small group and all. I feel like I really heard from God there in the sermon and worship the past few weeks, and the people are so warm and friendly (some my age, but lots of other generations too). And it's a nice, humble, real church. And it's one of very few within walking distance of my apartment. I like it a lot so far.
Contra dancing has been fun, but people are less friendly than they were in Savannah and the men are a bit more forward, which makes me uncomfortable. I think it’s because there are more northerners in Atlanta (and they don’t have as much respect I suppose).
I read Howard Pyle’s version of Robin Hood recently, and absolutely adored it. It was immediately preceded by Peter Pan, which I also found thoroughly delightful. After I finish rereading the Princess Bride (yes…again…) I plan to find some T.S. Eliot at the library. I did read Cyrano de Bergerac as soon as I got to Atlanta (in French), and really liked the satire and playfulness of the play. Speaking of puns, I’m starting to fall back into that niche here (there was a category of puns on Jeopardy the other night!), and that’s good for me; as I get more comfortable, I start to become more of who I really am (something I really miss about this summer).
This is, of course, exceptionally long. Hopefully I’ll be better at regular updates from here on out.

Church searching

2008-08-31T13:06:00.002-04:00

I've been looking for a church home here in Atlanta for about 3 weeks now, and I still feel the need to keep searching. The first one wasn't welcoming; beautiful building, decent sermon, but not welcoming. The second one was good worship, decent teaching, and somewhat welcoming, but the church body was quite large (to the point where 2 long-time members just met for the first time that morning. Not a great sign). Today was a church planted by a campus church at Penn. It was a nice service, but again not welcoming. I think this time it was because it was mostly students. As a student I too wasn't so concerned about newcomers, I suppose, or didn't know how to handle them. I did recognize some people from Penn, but I don't think they recognized me. I might still try the latter two churches again, but I'm not sure.

I suppose I'm really looking for something smaller with a good community. Maybe I've been spoiled by my last few churches - I'm really missing the ones in Savannah and Lansdale right now. But I would really like to have a church family to be a part of for the next few years. Dealing with the transition is of course much harder without that community around me, and it's a bit discouraging. I don't know what plagues most churches that they don't reach out to new people. Maybe it's complacency and self-focus, as plagues me too. I just wish that it wasn't there.

So yes, if you could keep in prayer my search for a church home and family, I would appreciate it very much. For me to listen to God when He says "stay" and "go" with different churches. And openness to His leading.

revoir et prevoir

2008-05-24T08:21:00.002-04:00

I realize it's been a while, so I'll fill in on a few things that have happened over the past month. It will also be a while till I post again, because I'll be living in the woods for the next 2 1/2 months. So, here we go:

- I got to see Stars of the Lid play on Penn's campus a few weeks ago. It was amazing, transcendent, meta-music. I'd say to listen to them - which you should - but it's not nearly as transfixing as being surrounded by the music and the projection.

- I saw the movie "Expelled". Decent movie, a little concerning for me when I look at the state of scientific close-mindedness. It's largely true, from my experience, although it is a bit slanted towards being propaganda. All about how science is now closed to intelligent design, and the breakdown of intellectual freedom. It's interesting to me to see academia in the position of control and oppression - the same role the church used to have over science.

- I finished my SCUBA certification - wuhoooooooooooooooo! I also saw a hydra and either a baby snail or arthropod or something (I was supposed to be doing a skill and couldn't full investigate) during my training :D. I'm doing the advanced training in August.

- I'm working at my old summer camp again this summer. I'm going to be the staff-in-training leader (high schoolers come for 2 weeks and are semi-staff, I help lead them). I'm really looking forward to being immersed in wilderness and Christian community again. Pray for wisdom & care to be poured into me by God to be poured back out on these kids & my fellow staff.

- I'm moving to Atlanta right after camp!

le printemps

2008-04-18T09:39:00.002-04:00

Spring has been beautiful this year. Maybe I'm not used to seeing it on such a grand scale anymore, as I was in GA last year and in the city the 4 years before that. Maybe this is the first midatlantic spring I've gotten to see since I've known God and His fingerprints. It's just amazing to see everything coming back to life after a long winter, and so refreshing to get out in the sunshine again after the cold and the rain. Spring is glorious, in the true sense of the word: give-God-the-glory-ous.

I recently finished reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. What I appreciated most about that book was the author's emphasis on God's passion for a relationship with us, and that it's real - not just something to make us feel better. It's hard to explain, but it does make relationship with God far more tangible and important, and less formulaic.

One last thing, I've been listening this week to Lifehouse, and find a crazy amount of hope in this song, particularly with a still-hazy future in Atlanta:

How long have I been in this storm,
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form?
Water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see You,
everything would be alright.
If I'd see You,
this darkness would turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And You will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into Your eyes,
and everything will be alright.
and everything will be alright.

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface.

If I could just see You,
everything would be alright.
If I see You,
this darkness will turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And You will catch me if I fall.
and I will get lost into Your eyes,
and everything will be alright.

drumroll please....

2008-03-31T23:11:00.002-04:00

..........

it's official!

I will be headed to Atlanta to study sea slugs at Georgia Tech for my PhD starting in August!

WOOOOOOO!!!!

If you're in the Philly area, I'd love to hang out before May 30 (since I'll be at camp this summer).

Regardless of where you are, you should come visit me in Atlanta (just take a really long layover because we all know that you've got a good chance of flying through there no matter where you go in this country) - once I get there of course.

It still seems unreal - I ACTUALLY get to do this! I'm ACTUALLY going to grad school! I'm ACTUALLY going to study my slugs! Wild!

I'm very excited to see all my friends in GA though, and settle down, and make some new friends, be in a new church, and live in a new place where I can live for more than 6 months. Oh, and go square dancing again. And regain my drawl. And wear Phillies, Eagles, and Flyers jerseys with the added bonus of being "that irritating Philly fan" in a mildly antagonistic city. Oh, and I'm glad I'm not moving to Dallas.

I'm excited to see what God's got for these next 5-6 years in Atlanta.

future stuff

2008-03-07T13:19:00.002-05:00

Summer plans:
SIT leader at Spruce Lake Wilderness Camp (where I counseled for 3 summers).

Grad school:
Turned down by: William & Mary, Univ. of Calif. Davis
Likely to be turned down by: UNC-Wilmington and Univ. New Hampshire
Waiting to hear from: Georgia Tech & Univ. of Georgia

In a horrid mental/emotional/spiritual mess over:
guidance, life direction, and goals/identity at cross-purposes to where my life is currently headed (which may be nowhere if grad school doesn't work out). feeling like Jonah because I either don't hear or don't listen to directions and/or God keeps changing his mind. And fish guts smell bad. hating that i have to be "strong" and "functional" and "composed" in interactions with, well, everyone, due to societal compulsion to have a facade of wholeness and contentedness no matter what's going on.

jaw-dropping amazing excitement !

2008-02-09T23:15:00.001-05:00

.

I found the sea slugs at work today.

!!!!!!!!!

Escapades at work

2008-02-08T10:59:00.000-05:00

My new job has been going pretty well. Although I'm primarily kept in the reptile department and haven't gotten much experience at all with fish, inverts, or aquarium set up yet, I'm still having fun. Handling snakes is way better than folding clothes. Working with hundreds of reptiles leads to some interesting happenings, though:

- I had 3 snakes snap at me one night. I was wearing gloves, so they couldn't have bit if they tried. I think they also realized that I was bigger than them so latching on wasn't a good idea. It was still interesting, though.

- A blue gliding tree frog leaped out of its cage onto my hand when I opened the door to the cage. The next night he latched onto the water bowl and stayed there while I took out, rinsed, and refilled, the bowl. Adventurous little guy.

- I got impaled by a large iguana's lovely claws my second night at work. Blood running down my arm and everything. To date that's actually my only injury, surprisingly.

- Last week I got bit by a caiman (nasty little alligator relative, worse temperament than gators). I was wearing gloves, so it didn't hurt, but I'm not eager to find out what that bite would feel like without gloves.

- Last night I lost a frog. I was supposed to move him from "inventory" to the show room and had to clean his cage first. Most frogs at work are slow, sedentary, and nocturnal - you open the cage and they don't go anywhere. Not so with this guy! (Actually, I think the throat was white, it may have been a girl). Anyway, so when I opened the lid to reach for the water dish, the frog shot out of the catch and leaped behind the freezer. Ohhh, boy. So, I moved the freezer a foot out from the wall, as far as it would go, sat on top of it, and started rummaging around in the random crud that had fallen behind it over the last year. Tried to catch the frog with a little net, numerous times, but unsuccessfully. After an hour of on-and-off looking, I eventualy gave up, cleaned up behind the freezer, and had pushed it back when: there's the frog, sitting in the middle of the floor. Surprisingly, he let me put a net over him, and I got him back into his cage. I put a different lid on it and a VERY heavy rock to keep him from getting out. It was quite the adventure!

Lots of other interesting and random things happen at work. Most people think I'm slightly crazy for it, but I think it's a fun place to work.

490

2008-02-01T23:12:00.000-05:00

What do you do when someone dislikes/resents you? Do you ask for forgiveness...or pray for God to allow you to forgive them for disliking you? Or both? I think usually we just stop associating with that person and move on.

What if it's a close family member?

Maybe this is just practice for if I ever have teenage children of my own; if it is, I don't think I do well with family disliking & resenting me, and I'll be in trouble then.

Jesus declared new siblings and parents for himself; somehow I don't think that's the model he had in mind for us.

So what do we do? How do we reconcile within ourselves an irreconcilable relationship?

Wheeeee!

2008-01-10T22:18:00.000-05:00

In a more-complete update on the last post and some previous ones:

I've found an awesome church where lots of people I know go (which I didn't know before I go'ed), and I'm very much looking forward to getting to know them and getting closer to God again and not having to carry things myself as much anymore. Definitely feel like it was God's doing that I ended up at that specific church.

After being turned down from jobs again and again and severely moping on Monday because of getting turned down again because no one wanted a short-term hire, I resigned myself to retail and working weekends (no dis on retail, and it's a pride fault that makes me see it as less, but also because I just don't want to work Sundays). So I printed off a stack of resumes and was about to go knocking on doors, when my mom suggested I take a look at this aquarium store about a half an hour away. So I printed off my "aquatic husbandry" resume and went down there. And, though they said they had no openings, we got to talking, I got to interview with the store owner and...hired! It was amazing. And they've got all kinds of delightful aquatic creatures there, including a 9' diameter tank with sharks! I think they'll probably have me primarily work with turtles, but hopefully I'll get well-versed in lots of aquatic creatures and how to care for them.

And then...I got the doc's ok to get my SCUBA certification this weekend! Wooooooooooooo! I've been studying like whoa, and start tomorrow evening.

And then...all my grad apps are done (except one mysteriously missing set of GRE scores). AND I heard back from a potential grad school about interviews. YAY!

I'm pretty incredulous over it all. So much tohu bohu before, so many grace-given surprising resolutions to it all within this week. There aren't really words for it, just sitting here grinning like a little kid who got a plesiosaur in the swimming pool for Christmas.

And really, this was deserved even amidst the tohu-bohu (it's just much easier to see when the darkness is lifted):

Praise the LORD!
Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD!

Blessed be the name of the LORD
from this time forth and for evermore!
From the rising of the sun to its setting
the name of the LORD is to be praised!
The LORD is high above all nations,
and His glory above the heavens!
Who is like the LORD our God,
who is seated on high,
who looks far down
upon the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust,
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,
to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.
He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the LORD!

Ps 113.

Stagnancy

2008-01-05T21:47:00.001-05:00

So things back here in the ol' homestead have been fairly dull and stagnant of late, and so many things are still up in the air. We usually think of stagnancy as being in a rut of activity, but I'm in a stagnancy of uncertainty. It's like being stuck in Limbo (see: Rasputin in "Anastasia"). Nothing is certain, there is no direction, yet the lack of direction and solidity is unchanging.

I'm hoping, though, that something, anything, will change soon.

- I'm still looking for a job and had some interviews before Christmas. One seemed very promising but I still haven't heard. I hate applying for jobs, too, and have pretty much been constantly looking for a job since leaving college. Now that I've got an end time limit on my availability due to grad school, it's hard to find anything above retail. Pray for a job, any job, to work out, and for God's direction (and my listening, and for me not to be too proud about what kind of work I do).

- Even if I get a job in downtown Philly, I may just try to carpool with my dad rather than get a new apartment for just 3-5 months. Need direction with that one, too. And if I do live at home, lots of prayer for sanity and flexibility and humility. Living at home is something else entirely after having lived on one's own.

- I had been waiting to find a new church until I knew where I was living, but the job/housing stuff is taking too long and I'm going to seriously start looking tomorrow. I'd like to find a place solidly rooted in the Word and that has a welcoming community. I'm also hoping to find someplace with a young adults ministry or Bible study, because being out here in the suburbs is lonely as all get out, and I'd like to make a few friends. It's been a long time since I felt connected to a church. So yeah, prayer for that would be super.

- And, of course, grad school. I still have no idea where I'm headed, if anywhere. If I don't get in, the current idea is to just move back to Savannah and start over from there. Definitely need prayer for God's will to be evident in grad school decisions.

Oh yeah, and I'm incredibly bored, as evidenced by the carrot creations.

>{EDIT 1/6/08: God found me a church this morning, and surprised me with lots of people I know well and the potential to make friends of some folks my age. God is a good God, yes He is, wu-hoo!}<

>{EDIT 1/8/08: I got a job today at an aquarium supply store with fish and herps and inverts and sharks! They said they weren't hiring, but then there was a shift change with a new manager, and he liked my resume (which I just happened to have with me and it piqued their interest), and then he took me back to meet the store manager and they hired me then and there and they'll let me have Sunday mornings off and WUHOO!}<

Decline and Fall of an Empire

2007-12-30T13:20:00.001-05:00

After standing guard over the kitchen and my sanity for a week, fending off assailants and irritants of both, Mr. Carrot Zombie fell into ill health and descended into the depths, to return circuitously to the ground from whence he came.

(**After this send-off of my tuber friend, if I ever have an apartment/house where I have a garbage disposal, I am seriously considering naming it "Sheol" because I could giggle any time any unsuspecting vegetable descended into it. Plus, have you ever looked inside a garbage disposal? Nasty place.**)

Mr. Carrot Zombie.

2007-12-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

a treatise on the effects of snow

2007-12-05T22:50:00.000-05:00

I got to go for a walk in the woods while it was snowing today. It was charming, delightful, beautiful, serene. I had lots of lovely descriptions of it in my head, but I'm not going to write them out now - maybe later.

Snow makes me feel very impish - childlike, playful, mischievous, joyful. Impish. It makes me bite my lip and smile and stick my tongue between my teeth in sheer delight. It makes me want to skip and slide and sled and jump and draw in the snow and throw it. I was a good little girl today and kept my hands in the pockets so as to not ruin the snow for other people because I was on a public trail, but that was very hard to do. I don't think I'm the only person for whom snow is like this, or at least I hope not. Not that I need validation in numbers, but I need playmates.

I also sincerely hope that I never become so deplorably or hopelessely grown up as to dislike snow. I think that day would mark the utter destruction of my inner child and would be a day of great mourning. Somehow I doubt I'm at serious risk of that, though, knowing me and knowing snow.

I don't know what day God created snow, but praise Him that He did!

Governmental law vs. Grace

2007-11-19T21:50:00.000-05:00

This is something that I have idly pondered before, thought fairly hard about this summer due to some events and some reading, and am fully wrestling with now due to circumstances I'm not going to post about here:

What exactly is the intersection between government legality/justice and grace? How do we as Christians legally respond when we are victimized?

We pray for God to help us "forgive us our debts/trespasses as we forgive our debtors/those who trespass against us." We are also told to submit to the ruling powers and authorities. So when we are victimized or witness a crime - what do we do?

We could go for justice and demand what is "rightfully ours", whether it be time, money, posessions, peace of mind, or revenge. Submit to the authorities, demand legal observance. Send them to jail or court, sue if we must. That sounds harsh, of course, but we do it every day, when we submit insurance claims or report a crime that we see.

Or we could turn the other cheek, let the perpetrator go. We do that too, but often out of fear of getting involved rather than out of charity and care.

So which do we strive for? If we don't turn in a theif, murderer, fraud, whatever they've done, don't persecute them - we serve them. Maybe, like Jean ValJean in Les Miserables, they learn their lesson, see Christ, and spend their lives serving others. But maybe we only set them free to recidivism, and maybe they go on to cheat and steal and rape other people - then we've not only failed to serve them, but we've failed to serve those around us whom they vicitmize next, and the authorities. Theoretically only God can know that answer. But that still leaves the quandary - what do we do?

It may be my non-confrontational attitude speaking, but I can't help but think that as Christians we should be leaning more towards forgiveness, especially when it comes to grievances against ourselves. Often this is characterized as being a "doormat", particularly when the victim themselves refuses to take action, a name that strips it of its dignity. But didn't Christ lay down His life for those who hated Him and even killed Him? Those who trespass against us become our adversaries - but aren't they the ones we are to love the most? And how are we to do so? Does Christ really mean to forgive - really? Even criminals?

The Sunday school answer seems obvious, but wrapped up in our judicial system and sense of "right and wrong", it's not. Even practically, we would cringe at the mere ideas of being wrongly fired, getting cheated out of insurance, or any other such thing without recompense.

So where do forgiveness and governmental justice intersect? And is that intersection that we see the one that God desires, or the one that we construct to be convenient in our lives?

petites choses

2007-11-13T22:58:00.000-05:00

At the moment, just about every aspect of my life is up in the air. School, work, church, dancing, living place, how long and where for any of those. It's a little crazy, and things aren't progressing as well as I'd have liked, particularly with respect to grad school. It'd be great if you could pray for God's direction & encouragement in all of those things, because I look around and feel fairly helpless (not necessarily a bad thing, from God's point of view, I suppose).

But.

God's been giving me little things to make me smile. I suppose living by myself made me more willing to laugh out loud alone, because, well, no one's around, so what does it matter? It doesn't feel awkward anymore, and it's pretty cool. So, Thanksgiving's around the corner, maybe this is an early post, but things that have made me smile this week:

- I'm so excited that I get to hang out with my friends this week! On multiple days! You have no idea how happy this made me.

- the "Happy Song" was on the radio just now, and it makes me laugh because we often sang it at staff Fireside but never knew the complete lyrics so the verses were always rather garbled.

- Reading both "Leviathan" and "tohu bohu" in Les Mis made my day.

- I found cute shoes for dancing. Women's shoes. At the first store I looked for some. That's aboslutely unheard of - it usually takes upward of 2 years for me to find anything but athletic sneakers (easier because I can just buy guys' shoes for those).

- It's great to see fall again, and to smell it. I missed the smell of fall. Hopefuly I'll get to smell that lovely snow-eve smell soon!

- I can't even figure out what some of them are, there have just been moments of (solitary) laughter over the past few days that have made them bearable, and I'm thankful for those. Hopefully I'm not just going 100% off my rocker and becoming delusional.

the Mulberry Tree

2007-11-08T09:52:00.000-05:00

Every year the first frost heralds the oncoming winter. The frost is late this year, and sudden after a very warm fall. Before today, many of the trees still retained their green leaves. As I look out at the woods and the mountain now, though, the foliage is decidedly yellow-orange and beginning to fall.

The first frost has always been a bit of a special event in our back yard. Twenty yards from our kitchen windows towers a male mulberry tree. He's tall and old, and his trunk is nearly 3 1/2 feet across. His branches are gnarled and arthritic, the lower branches overshadowed, dying, and occassionally snapping. The leaves are waxy and heavy - not as much as magnolia leaves, but far heavier than your average maple or elm.

The mulberry holds and hoards its leaves as long as it can, no matter how yellow they are. It clutches them tightly until the first frost, when it lets go and the leaves rain to the ground. Last night it had all of its leaves. As I looked out the window this morning, only half were left. Over the next hour, it lost another quarter. If it frosts again tomorrow, the mulberry will be left bare, its gnarled and naked fingers stretched out towards the sky while at its feet lies a thick carpet of leaves. Usually that carpet is a glorious yellow; our golden retriever used to stand out there and bark and bark as those yellow leaves fell all around him. This year fall has come late and caught the green leaves by surprise. Our backyard is now under a blanket of bright, bright green.

Maybe it seems silly to describe one tree's loss of leaves, but in our house, it's almost a tradition to wait for and watch the raining mulberry. I don't draw any allegories or life lessons from it; I just watch and enjoy. You would too if you could see it.

Philadelphia freedom...shine a light

2007-10-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

Goin' home tomorrow! The apartment's all cleaned up, work's almost all cleaned up. It's actually hard to believe I'm done here, but it has been 5 1/2 months - longer than a spring semester of college.

Anyway, I'll be back to Philly to dive into grad school applications head first since I'm getting a late start. Oh yeah, change of plans - applying for Bio PhD's. May be a little frenetic or hard to get a hold of for the next few weeks because of that but hey, at least my phone will work there. Pray for God's will to be done in the whole grad school thing, too. As always, it's all up to Him. I'm stoked though, and it's exciting to be thinking like a scientist again. Speaking of science: 1111 turtles. No, I'm not kidding. Named up through Abijah (I think; I forgot to write down exactly which name I ended on; rather, I threw out the paper with all the names on it while cleaning) 1 Chron 29.

Countdown

2007-10-17T21:59:00.000-04:00

I'm now 2 weeks away from leaving MD, and I'm extremely excited. It still seems unreal, possibly because I'll be counting turtles up until the end; but I'm glad that it's here. I'm excited to see my friends & family in Philly again. I'm excited to be working towards grad school and I'm looking forward to having a community that I can engage in and that I can settle in for more than 5 months. I'm looking forward to living with people again - I've never been good at living with people, but living alone has shown me how much I really do need to share a home with others. I'm sad to leave my few friends that I have here...but that's still a couple weeks away, I don't have to deal with that yet. It would've been nice to have been more involved in the community here. Hopefully when I'm in school and when I'm a teacher I'll be able to do so. Oh yeah, and I'm looking forward to hugs. Other than when my parents visited me, I think the last one I got was...July 29th? And visiting with y'all & catching up, at least those in the Philly area.

Other than that, not much is going on. This month-and-a-half long drought has prevented the turtles from hatching (the ground is too hard for them to dig out), so work has been boring. Other than that day a few weeks ago with the camera (previous post). There's tons of bald eagles all over the island now though, which is kinda cool. And caterpillars (a type of "woolybear", the salt marsh caterpillar, Estigmene acrea). And mutated crickets from the mosquito spray. All interesting to see, although I fritter most of my day away sitting on the toolchest in the shed inventing things to do (1.5 hrs of work to be done every day. On the island for 3-12 hrs. Hence lots of frittering).

Anyway, 'tis all, 'tis all. Philly soon! Oh, wonderful!

fun times part 2

2007-10-05T22:45:00.000-04:00

You can access the awesome video I made of the cute little turtles by searching for "La Naissance, la mer, et la liberte" on YouTube.

fun times

2007-10-03T21:40:00.001-04:00

I had fun at work today. For the first time since I slid down that cliff a month and a half ago. Woohoo!

Can't tell you why though, you'll just have to wait a week or so to see. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Sar Shalom

2007-10-02T17:21:00.000-04:00

Ps. 34:14
Depart from evil and do good;
seek peace, and pursue it.

This is a stark contrast from the meek and mild "Oh, I've just got to be patient and maybe one day peace will fall into my lap if God decides to give it to me." Yes, peace is a gift. But we are meant to seek it, to pursue it, not just wait for it with a gnashing of teeth until it gets there.
Pursue: "radaph" - to run after
Seek: "baqash" - to search out, to strive after, to request. specifically used in worship or prayer.

How? Doesn't it seem like an oxymoron to fervently look for and run after peace?

Yes, if by peace you mean sheer comfort.

No, if you consider that Jesus is Sar Shalom*, Prince of Peace. "Sar" implies rulership and governance, from a verb that means to have dominion. Jesus isn't just the sub-ruler (like we think of "prince"), nor is He just excessively anti-confrontational ("the best at peace"). Peace is His to bestow, and it's His to control.

Peace isn't found in things being calmed or solved or made clear - it's found the Prince. And found more abundantly if we run towards Him, rather than away from Him, if we seek to spend time with Him rather than figuring out our lives and making ourselves secure, rather than sitting and waiting and twiddling our thumbs for peace and letting anxiety build and fester inside. Peace isn't denying that things are out of (our) control, nor is it succumbing to the 'whelming flood. Any peace that you get without coming to the Prince won't last, really.

^Above were things God showed me one night when I was being anxious over career stuff and whether or not teaching was really right. And you know what? It's great that I have so many options, but no single one is "right". Which career I choose is not crucial, so long as I glorify God in what I do. And I feel that teaching is one arena where I can definitely do that while growing in Him as well. And that peace...was found when I stopped worrying and let Sar Shalom take care of it.

*my Hebrew grammar is probably poor and these words may be in the wrong order.

postmodern to a t

2007-09-04T20:21:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about dreams and aspirations - namely, why would God give me/allow me to have unattainable dreams for what I want to do with my life? And I've been wrestling with that, partly because of trying to figure out if it's something I should try hard to achieve despite difficulty or if it's something to let go of and let God fill the space with something else.

Inadvertently or semi-consciously, though, I've been looking for the answer to this question to determine the nature of God - is He cruel and vindictive, and am I doomed to crushed dreams for the rest of my life? Clearly we know the answer is "no". But postmodern me can say "no" in my head and "but what I see is..." in my heart.

You see, I'm ridiculously postmodern, particularly about this one area of my life. I formulate my idea of God based on my experiences of Him. I treat my life like an inductive Bible study, reading between the lines and searching for meanings and chiasms and themes and a picture of God that I can apply to my life. This is so faulty, though. The Bible is God-breathed and true; my life as I perceive it is an interpretation. My version of my life and someone else's version of it would be very different. Trying to interpret my life, therefore, is double the interpretation, 2 degrees away from truth. It's not that God can't be met and known from His general revelation in our lives. But we can't base our image of Him on life alone.

Which brings us to the trite but true conclusion that to know God, we've gotta read the Bible. Why? Because it's the truth about who God is, untainted by our own perceptions. And no, it rarely lines up with our perceptions of who He is. I'm very good at reading a passage about God's goodness when I'm hurting and seeking comfort and instead of taking the solace He gives there, I go "yeah, but what about how I feel now?" So postmodern!

But whether I like it or not...how I perceive God doesn't change who He is. God is God. God is who He says in the Bible, whether I fully believe it or not. And there's a disjunction between what I see and who He is that is difficult to overcome. The best comparison in human terms is when you're away from someone for a long time and they change, be it a little or drastically, for better or for worse, and when you finally see them again you either can't see the new, better person they are or you miss who they were before they changed to be someone you don't like.

So I guess where that puts me is...really, what I'm feeling about what God's doing (or permitting, or not doing, or whatever the case may be) in my life doesn't change who He is. And despite the sharp contrast I've got to keep digging into the true Text and finding God there to check my self-generated image of Him.

You sweep away what we treasure

Our salute to you tumbles out:
Lord, sovereign, governor, king
political images of us before, gender specific,
marked by macho.
Sometimes we speak the terms glibly, out of habit.
Sometimes we speak them with gravity, counting on you.
But sometimes we are brough up short to see,
yet again,
that you are not kidding: you are other than us.
you will not be mocked.
Lord, sovereign, governor, king:
In your will you sweep away what we treasure,
We watch...and you sweep away a range of our idolatries,
apartheid...but not yet racism,
military regimes...but not yet our superopwer,
heresies....but not yet our self-indulgence.
You, you who sweep away and purge,
Sweep yet the systems of disobedience all around us,
sweep yet the networks of self-securing we treasure,
sweep yet our own childhoods that trap us,
sweep yet our little loves that disable us,
sweep yet our little fears that rob us of you,
sweep yet and make new.
Do your Friday sweep yet again, and
suit us for your Sunday governance. Amen.

-Walter Brueggemann, Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth

A harrowing, dangerous adventure: becoming Indiana Jones

2007-08-28T22:02:00.000-04:00

It was a warm, sunny day on the barren island. The researcher and her assistant had arrived late that morning and had much to do, for the invaluable lives of infant Malaclemys terrapin specimens must not be wasted. Observing how the hours and heat so pressed in upon them, they divided their work for the morning. The assistant stayed at the base preparing materials for work later in the day, while the researcher mounted her trusty two-wheeled steed in search of the turtle hatchlings.

As she rode to check the nests, a mild breeze blew across the island, lessening the sun's assault. At first the day seemed normal, with few hatchlings and many mosquitoes and flies. Then she reached: the nest.

Two months ago a turtle had laid this nest, so far from all the other nests on the island. The turtle had climbed up the sandy beach on the island, across the dirt and gravel road, and to the sand on the other side of the road. But this was no ordinary sand. This was a sand cliff.

Pardon me one moment to explain this sand cliff. Every visitor of beach or sandbox knows that dry sand has no collective shape and falls, drifts, and blows in every direction under the slightest force. Yet, when you add water and shape it, in a castle, mound, or dyke, it will hold its shape for quite a while, even while dry. It will hold its shape, that is, until a greater force destroys it. So was this sand cliff: constructed of wet sand, then allowed to dry. It withstood the island's fierce weather for years. Dry, loose sand on top, and hardened sand below. A 10-foot, 55-degree incline of sand on top, followed by a 10-foot drop to soft ground and murky water below. The two planes were separated and maintained by a small barricade of grasses and shrubs on the very edge.

Two months ago, this very pregnant mother turtle, seeking the best nesting habitat for her brood, chose this precipice. Two months ago, the researcher and her assistant had slid down the cliff to find the nest and uncover, examine, and re-cover the eggs. Two months later, they placed a cage over it, as with all of the other nests, to catch the hatchlings so they could examine and release them, rather than let them fall 10 feet off the cliff. They went out of their way every day for three weeks to check this nest.

Then, on this sunny, warm, blue-skied day, the researcher went to check the nest, again expecting to see smoothed-over sand and no hatchlings. She dismounted from her two-wheeled steed, climbed off the road to the top of the sand incline, looked, turned away - and looked again.

The sand in the middle of the nest was cracked. Cracked? Hatchlings dig a hole, they don't crack the sand. She looked closer. The sand on the downhill side of the nest was gone and the water was a mere two feet below the nest. In fact, some of the sand under the nest was missing.

Two weeks ago, the engineers had begun filling in this man-made crater, which the cliff took part in surrounding, with mud and water, and the water level had slowly risen. Or it had risen not so slowly, considering that it had soared 14 feet in two weeks in an area of at least 2 two three square miles. The water had eroded away the vegetation beyond and the sand beneath the nest. The edge of the cage hung precipitously over the water, the water that seemed so perniciously bent on plunging the infant turtles, still nestled safely underground, to their precocious death.

These turtles, upon hatching, often stay in their underground nest for some time, nursing upon their internal yolks and growing stronger. Knowing that the turtles were likely alive, hatched, and unaware of their imminent doom, the researcher decided there was only one thing to do: save them.

She loosened her back pack and set it by the road, to lessen her weight on the sliding and collapsing cliff. She slid down the soft incline to within a few feet of the nest, put down the bags that she usually put collected hatchlings in, and removed the top of the cage to begin to dig. Unfortunately, she couldn't reach far enough. She slid closer. The cliff started to collapse. She scrambled backwards as carefully as possible.

"I should really have someone here, with a rope around me, to make sure I don't fall in," she thought, wondering which other worker on the island she ought to call. Then she realized, "Oh, crud. The radio's in my backpack. By the road."

Not wanting to turn back, for fear of both the nest's demise and her own, she decided to risk it and try to rescue the turtles. On the other side of the nest some more sand had fallen off the cliff, creating what seemed like a somewhat solid mound of sand. She scooted over to the other side of the nest and put her foot on the sand. It wasn't solid, at all.

She started to slide off the edge of the cliff.

Minorly panicked, she really wished she had the radio, then leaned back to keep from falling so quickly. Then she noticed that one of the shrubs from the edge of the cliff had fallen onto the pile of sand at least a day ago. No matter when it fell, it was there. She stretched her foot, rested her toe on the woody stem of the shub and was safe. For now.

Balanced on the stem and within reach of the nest, she began to dig carefully, so as not to catapult the hatchlings into the deep that extended mere inches below her. Digging, not finding, sand sliding away from the nest, and then her fingers finally grazed the shell of a hatchilng. Success! Or the beginning of it, maybe. She pulled out the first hatchling, looked around for the bags, stretched; yet they were out of reach. What to do with the hatchlings now? Her hat would slide down the hill. She needed her hands. Aha! The aluminum ring around the nest; but if she removed that, then more of the cliff would crumble away.

That was a risk she'd have to take.

And take it she did. She pulled up the ring, gingerly turned behind her (remember, she was standing on a stem on loose sand over an abyss) and pushed the ring into the sand, then set the hatchling inside. Sand slid into the hole she had already dug, filled it, and overflowed, falling over the edge. Time to dig, and quickly, before she lost them all.

Carefully, quickly she dug. One, two, five, eight. Dig more, dig more - her fingers arrived at one turtle still in its shell, still attached to its yolk, apparently dead. She looked more closely - what was this? A second turtle attached to the yolk - twins! Possibly siamese turtles! This turtle, though dead, had to come back with her, in the name of science and complete fascination. Gently placing the creature away from the other hatchlings, she continued to dig. Twelve hatchlings in all, safe in the ring.

Now it was time for all of them to return to solid ground. Easier said than done.

She again turned around carefully, slowly, on her stem, to face the ever-eroding bank, because there was no way she was going to scoot backwards up that cliff without pitching face-first into the water. Only now did she realize that she was fully over the edge of the cliff, supported above the murky abyss by only a 1 1/2 inch stem of a dead shrub. "WHY didn't I think to keep my radio?!" she chided herself. As yet adrenaline was coursing more heartily than fear and her true peril was, thankfully, not consuming her thoughts.

Climbing up a sand cliff is like being one of those lizards that walks on water - you have to go fast to get anywhere, as slow movements allow the sand to slip away. Such speed, however, puts you at far greater risk of falling. There was nought for it, though. She had to climb.

She tried to climb using her feet and pushing up with her hands. With nary a foothold or a handhold, she slid downward with a cascade of sand and quickly returned her foot to the stem.

Determined to get up that cliff, for she had to, she dug her hands into the sand. Now I have no idea what use that was meant to be, since the sand would merely slide. But what other recourse did she have? She dug in her hands and leaned forward a bit, to displace her weight, and again tried to climb and pull herself upwards with her hands embedded in sand. She slid.

"What do I do if I fall in," she mused, "since no one knows I'm out here and there's no shallow spot to climb out?"

She didn't want to answer that question, however. So she dug in her hands and tried to climb with her feet, her knees, her shins, her elbows. Again and again. And again.

Until finally...finally...

She was back on the soft sand incline.

She turned over and scooted behind the ring of hatchlings, putting them gently into the hatchling bag. Twelve turtles saved from a watery, foodless, mud-engulfed death. Plus a specimen fit for a museum, even if it be it only the Mutter museum.

And yet she was still mere feet from the edge, with a metal ring, chicken wire, and survey flags from the nest, plus herself and the turtles, and they all had to return to the road. And there was no way she was going to be able to come back down for a single one of those items and return to the road alive; no, she could not make a second trip back from the crumbilng, sliding, eroding cliff. The cliff would not sustain the movement of two trips.

Hardly checked by this restraint, the researcherthrew the wire, the ring, and the flags one by one up to the road. Turtles, however, cannot be thrown. Or at least they shouldn't be. And the dead twins could not be left behind. She had only one choice.

Turtles in one hand, the specimen in the other, she gently pushed up from the sand and made a dash for it, the cliff breaking under her feet.

She didn't look back until she got to the edge of the road. And then she laughed, the relieved laugh of someone who's made it out of danger alive - maybe even the mocking laugh in the face of danger - but moreso the grateful laugh of someone whose belt God must have been holding onto to keep her from plunging into the abyss.

She piled the wire, the metal, the flags on the side of the road, to pick up another day. She placed the turtles in her saddlebasket and carefully closed the lid over them.

Caked in sand, she mounted her two-wheeled steed and rode off into the noonday sun and mild breeze, laughing and incredulous and emboldened, to save more turtles.

quotidienne

2007-08-27T20:54:00.001-04:00

Last Sunday (previous post) was wonderful. Church was good - my research assistant had missed going to church all summer. Anyway, it was great, and my RA enjoyed it. Then the pastor, his wife, and their 7 kids invited us over for lunch - a little chaotic, but so wonderful to be at home with a real family. The chaos actually made it seem far more sincere and real and homey. The kids were all big talkers (ranging from 19 to 6, I think?), so that helped too.

It didn't rain this Sunday, so I couldn't go to church. But the guys on the island brought us in at mid-afternoon, rather than at 7pm, which was very kind of them. My RA & I watched movies Saturday & Sunday nights to relax.

The mosquitoes at work have been ridiculous. We were actually wearing bee-keeping masks & long sleeves to avoid getting an unwelcome acupuncture treatment. My arms were covered in them at one point. Thursday night they sprayed the whole island. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it can't be too much worse than being covered in DEET every day. They've started to come back, but it's better than the beginning of last week, for now.

Prov. 3:5-8
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

God is a good God, yes He is - woohoo!!

2007-08-19T07:39:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, 20 minutes before my alarm, unable to go back to sleep. Groan. I get up, devotions, check the weather for the day: 81 degrees and cloudy. That's ok, it means that if the guys on the island are feeling charitable today and want to take us in early, rather than at 7pm, it's cool enough that we can do so.

Then I remember - oh yeah, it's Sunday. It's easy to forget what day it is when you work every day. But it's Sunday.

On Thursday, my boss said that if I wake up on a Saturday morning and it's raining and it looks like it's going to keep raining, than I can skip work rather than go to the island for 12 hours when I'll only have 2 hours of work to do. I figure if that applies to Saturday, then it equally applies to Sunday. So I've been praying for rainy Sundays so I can go to church.

I wake up this morning - no rain. Ohhh man. Well, I'll keep praying for it anyway. Hard. 6:15: no rain. 6:30: no rain. 6:45: no rain, but it's still pretty dark for it being 6:45. 6:50 I step out the front door to put on my sneakers - hey, it's sprinkling! I smile. And pray harder.

We walk down to the boat, it's still sprinkling - not enough that I could justify skipping work yet. "God, please make it rain harder, please!" over and over. We get to the boat dock, still just sprinkling. The guys are standing there talking, and we're just waiting - 5 minutes before the boat leaves.

And then -

it starts to rain harder. Just a little bit harder, not a downpour. And then a little harder. Still not a downpour, but definitely enough to skip work, in my opinion. I can't fight the smile now. I tell one of the guys who isn't talking that it's raining, and so we're not going in today. And we turn around and walk back to the house.

It's still raining now. It wasn't forecast to rain today.

Go God! I'm actually really excited about this. The last time I was this happy, can't-fight-the-smile happy, was when I got to go visit a couple of friends in Philly before one of them moved away. Totally God's doing this morning - He's awesome. Now I can go to church! AND my research assistant is coming with me to church - even better!

So keep praying for rainy Sundays :D!

the rest of field season

2007-08-16T17:36:00.000-04:00

It used to be that the field assistants who had my job had weekends off and someone else collected the hatchlings. Apparently there were a whole bunch of political and logistical issues with that, I got caught in the middle, and got saddled with the nasty results. I no longer have any days off (unless it looks to be pouring all day); to make up for that, can go in late or leave early on cooler days, provided my work's done. Yes, that means working Sundays, too. Working every day from July 30th to October 31st. Am I happy about this? No. Do I have legal recourse? No, not really.

So what I need is prayer to make it through this:
-prayer to make it through this physically & mentally & spiritually, because it's only been 3 weeks and I'm already exhausted in all 3 ways.
-prayer to not be bitter towards my boss or the other island bigwigs who decided this for me.
-prayer to find a church with evening services (I can't go in early or late on Sundays, there's only 1 boat - it's 8 hour days).
-continued prayer about decisions regarding my future and grad school. I'm still thinking about applying to grad school, and need to make that decision in the next month, if I'm going to apply. Definitely need guidance on that one. Would actually love to chat with anyone about that because internal processing isn't cutting it.
-prayer that I wouldn't be cut off from family and friends despite no longer being able to go visit them (but hey, you can always come visit me and have time to yourself while I"m at work).
-prayer that I'd get along well with my research assistant for the next 2 1/2 weeks.
-prayer for it to pour buckets on Sunday mornings - my boss said that, on weekends, if it was raining in the morning before I went to work and forecast to rain most of the day and/or be less than 80 degrees, then I can skip work that day. So pray for rainy Sundays in Tilghman, MD for the next 2 1/2 months!

Thanks & love to all of you :)

baby terrapins

2007-08-09T17:14:00.000-04:00

Here are the pictures you've all been waiting for - I know, I know, "ohhh, how cute!". This is what I work with now. If you want to see more pictures, drop me a line and I'll send them to you.

Hatchling tracks in soft sand; he was crawling toward the upper left hand corner of the picture.

A ringed nest with emerged hatchlings and the emergence hole.

They like to hide against the side of the ring, for protection and shade.

This one, Nahor, had a very pretty shell pattern with high contrast. Yes, his name is Nahor. If I name my bumps and bruises, I'm certainly going to name 1500+ hatchlings. Actually, I'm going through the Bible and using the names from there - so far I'm up to Abram.

A gaggle of terrapin hatchlings.

photos 1

2007-07-31T21:17:00.000-04:00

I finally took my new camera out to the island where I work, in hopes of photographing a few of the last nests of the season. Alas, I found no nests yesterday or today, and so can't show you any photographs of them; however, this does mean that nesting season is almost over and that I can stop looking at the ground and scratching at every area of disturbed dirt I see. Here are some of the more artsy photos of the island from today:

Eggshells of a nest depredated 6-7 weeks ago, most likely by a fish crow.

photos 2

2007-07-31T21:01:00.000-04:00

And here are photos of what the island's like, and what I actually do.

This is what a typical nest looks like after we've found it: we put 4 labeled flags around it and cover it with rat wire (squares within wire = 1/2", for scale) to protect against depredation. Although most of the beaches I walk are open, like this one, the most nests are found in densely vegetated areas, not like a typical "walk on the beach".

This is my half/corner of the shed, where I measure & tag turtles that I catch, plus do whatever other work needs to be done; the stuff on the floor is my current project of mending bags for the hatchlings and putting things in order for putting rings around the nests, which we do to catch the babies. Oh, and you can see my cool hat!

This is what most of the island looks like - some spots barren, some spots with low scrubby plants, some spots filled with fairly dirty water, and lots of large equipment everywhere.

Workin' 9 to 5 (or 7 to 3:30)

2007-07-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

Nesting season is nearly over, so I figured it was time for an update on how work's going.

Nesting is trailing off and will probably cease in the next week or two. We've found 3 nests this week, bringing the yearly total to 183. We had a few really big weeks (one day we had 29 nests, plus a mother turtle!). With so many nests, it's clear I've been able to form a search image for the nests. I'm still not perfect at it, and I imagine I'll find at least 50-100 more nests once the turtles start hatching, which is determined by either seeing a turtle crawling out of the ground (yeah, I know, "duh") or seeing an empty nest full of eggshells. It's been very dry here lately, however, which means the sand is soft, retains footprints, and easily moved, all of which make it hard to find nests.

INTERRUPTION: As I was writing that last sentence, a spiffy, tiny little insect crawled across my laptop. Mottled brown, 4mm long x 1.5mm wide, rounded abdomen, all three body segments are equal in length, getting progressively wider posteriorly. 2 antennae that terminate in what appear to be clubs, but have a kink midway down the antenna. Small black eyes. Does not appear to have wings and makes no attempt to fly. Beautiful creature!

Back to work...the babies should start hatching in about 1-2 weeks, which I'm excited for. Actually, I'm most excited for not having to stare quite so hard at the ground for the next 3 months, although I'll have to monitor for new nests emerging. We put rings/cages around the nests starting this week in order to capture the hatchlings. We then insert a tag under the skin & notch the hatchlings' shells before we release them.

I've been asked a number of times if it bothers me to "torture" the turtles in this way; honestly, the answer is usually "no." Most of you know me and my near-medical fascination for things and how I'd probably dissect nearly everything if it wouldn't kill it. Plus, I just don't think about it. Last week, however, I did have 2 problem turtles. One was a yearling that we tried to tag with the large tag & needle (as we would tag an adult), which merely put a hole in his leg and caused him to bleed a lot. As we were drilling the hole in the edge of the shell of an adult turtle later that day, I guess we hit a blood vessel and she started bleeding all over my hands, just in time for the mechanic whose power drill we were using to walk into the mechanics' shed (actually, that latter part was somewhat amusing). I felt bad about those. With potentially 1500-2000 hatchlings to tag this fall, though, I can't really think about it too much.

Unfortunately, I don't think the side project we were going to set up involving terrapin predation on marsh periwinkles is going to work out. I'm a bit disappointed in that, but also relieved that I won't have to frantically rush to do that work or begin a project I couldn't feasibly or professionally finish in 3 months.

Once I get the heavy-duty case for my camera, I'll take it out to the island and photograph the babies. I took some pics of the eggs on my film camera and will post those once they're developed.

Oddities and ends

2007-07-17T20:36:00.000-04:00

I'm in a goofy mood tonight; I'm not sure why, because it was a long, hot day at work again. Maybe it's because there were no nests which, though bad, meant that I was able to catch an early boat off the island and therefore leave work early. I might be happy because I got a letter from a friend this afternoon. Possibly, my delight comes from making english muffin pizzas for dinner. I may even be joyful because of pigtails.

No matter. I think it's time for another edition of cool things I've seen/learned/thought this week. Here, therefore, we go.

*Someone else loves commas as much as I do. See Robert J. Samuelson's article this week in Newsweek. Oh, how I have always enjoyed putting commas everywhere. To my chagrin, I was often encouraged to remove them. Having this fellow comarade-in-commas, I shall leave them in, for pause.

*The terns have begun divebombing us in a terrifying new way. Over the past few weeks, they have gotten closer and closer to our heads, swooping within a foot while chattering and screeching in our ears. This week, however, they have adopted a new tactic: they dive 20 feet in front of me, level off below eye-level, then fly straight at my face. The sight of a bird aiming full-throttle for your eye is quite unsettling, even after they suddenly veer upward just before they get to your face, just close enough to plant a menacing screech in your ear.

*I saw an eastern kingsnake and a rough greensnake over the past few weeks, plus some banded watersnakes. All of them are quite beautiful creatures.

*Asian tiger mosquitoes are fierce, tenacious creatures. Their bite is worse than their buzz and they hurt like crazy. Apparently it hurts like none other when a mosquito bites you on your funny bone, too. They're resourceful, avoiding where I've applied bugspray or biting through it; this leads them, usually, to my face for their source of nutrition. But, as my assistant pointed out this week, it's not like in the tropics where they carry malaria and dengue fever (I think those are the 2 she mentioned).

*I need to listen far more than I do. My research assistant this week is a few years my senior. She is a wildlife veterinarian and turtle researcher in Brazil. While she doesn't speak English well, she has amazing stories to tell about her life & work there. Her stories make the work I do seem, although arduous, tame.

*Walking 8 miles per day in 90-degree weather cultivates quite an appetite. My predecessor for this job says it's 11 miles if you walk everything twice; I estimate about 8 for what I have to walk. I'll have to put an odometer on my bike when I cease having research assistants and am collecting hatchlings rather than looking for nests. Anyway, man am I hungry! All the time! I have never eaten so much food in my life.

*Walking all day on an island is great for day dreaming, thinking, and praying. Walking all day on an island in circles all day promotes thinking in mushy circles. In regards to the last post, my thoughts have become murkier rather than clearer over the past few days.

*From henceforth, actually last-May-forth, I can't hear Gen. 2:7-8 (about God forming man from dust and placing him in the garden) without seeing a little orange playdough man being taken from a smear of orange playdough and being placed in a playdough garden with bizarre trees, animals, and a plesiosaur. Formless and void? Tohu bohu!

*I cherish my fond memories of college, camp, and environmental ed. I often used to feel cursed by my memory that functions more as a steel trap than a permeable sponge, as it frequently retained more bad memories better than good ones. Now, however, I feel blessed by it. More than those memories, however, I realize that I cherish the folks with whom those memories were formed.

That's all for now. I think that I mellowed as I wrote that, so it wasn't as silly as I anticipated. That's alright, it's probably less frightening that way.

L'avenir and good cheer

2007-07-13T21:56:00.000-04:00

Most of you know I chose/God chose for me not to go to grad school after my senior year of college, and that since then I've been job- and home-hopping. I told myself that I would try teaching and research for 2 years, then choose between the two and what I want to go to grad school for. If I want to go to grad school after said 2 years, I would need to apply this fall.

Hence a deluge of thinking the past few months. Not quite brooding, at least not most days; however, it is indeed heavy thinking. It's quite easy to do when I have 20-30 minute stretches of walking between nest sites at work while being attentive to little more than making sure I don't fall off the road.

I'm not done thinking yet. God, however, has been culturing this decision in me for a while. Previous grad school interviews, being among the women at Grace church this year, teaching, recent words from friends experiencing similar things, seeing the life of a non-believing researcher, conducting research myself, and of course Him speaking to me in the Word and myriad other ways are all combining to make this decision.

Of late, John 16:25-33:
"I have said this to you in figures; the hour is coming when I shall no longer speak to you in figures but tell you plainly of the Father. In that day you will ask in my name; and I do not say to you that I shall pray the Father for you; for the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I cam efrom the Father. I came from the Father and have come into the world; again, I am leaving the world and going to the Father."
His disciples said, "Ah, now you are speaking plainly, not in any figure! Now we know that you know all things, and need none to question you; by this we believe that you came from God." Jesus answered them, "Do you now believe? The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, every man to his home, and will leave me alone; yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said this to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

I read this last night and can't really explain how or why, but it was more comforting than months of telling myself that, no matter what my decision, God will love me and care for me. Somehow this passage drove it heart-home. And in Him I have peace.

Then today, after some serious all-day pondering that started at about 6:51AM as I was walking to the boat to work, I was making dinner and resonated with
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus Third Day, "Take my life".

It's a simple, sincere song, that I need to sing in my heart every day but particularly now. Maybe this rambling & vagueness would all make more sense if I said just exactly what's going through my mind at the moment, however, I'd prefer to wait on that. Pride, gifts, talents, wounds, growth, dreams, vessels, glory, beauty, peace, and desire are some of the larger factors bouncing around in my heart and mind. Let's just say it's not a decision I would have seen coming even a few months ago, but I'd prefer to dialogue about it personally while the thinking & deciding is still in progress.

Yeah, that's a lot of rambling and a lot of words, but it's all pretty important to me and, although it's very much an amorphous lump of dirt right now, I feel God is shaping and giving life to something amazing & different for me. Ok, that does sound vauge & weird. Anyway, what you can do is talk to me about it and pray for me about it - pray for peace in thinking (since most of you know that thinking isn't usually a light matter for me) & no brooding; for God's guidance and me to listen fully and attentively; and for me to do what He says & go where He leads; and for me to let go of pride that holds to self-glorifying dreams and instead to joyfully reach for & cling to what gives Him the most glory.

Caterpillar!

2007-07-03T20:27:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I finally bought my first digital camera. When I went out to water my landlords' vegetable garden tonight, I just happened to find this big guy on the tomatoes, so he just happened to be the first picture on my camera. I think Jesus might just be a smidge fond of me to do that, don't you?

Now that I look at the pictures, I realize he was eating the tomato plant, but we'll let him stay there and maybe he'll pupate and then maybe I'll get to see a pretty moth.

Apollos, Cephas and Paul

2007-06-24T17:30:00.000-04:00

"What I mean is that each one of you says, 'I belong to Paul,' or 'I belong to Apollos,' or 'I belong to Cephas,' or 'I belong to Christ.' Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?" 1 Corinthians 1:12-13

Going to church here in MD has not been as easy or delightful an endeavor here in MD as it was in GA. I went to a church picnic yesterday, and, while folks were somewhat friendly, I really only had conversations with a few. There were many people who only glanced at me, said hi, and kept walking...didn't even introduce themselves. I even walked up to a few people to introduce myself, which is a stretch for me. Conversations that I did have were short as well. I didn't expect much attention, far from it...but I didn't feel very welcomed. This morning at church was worse, which is odd since I'd just met most everyone there the day before. I once again, both days, got to stand there awkwardly by myself.

I'm somewhat used to this in church, and I know that my connection to the community is partly on my shoulders, and I'm making a stronger effort here than I have in the past. I'm struggling, however, because it's nowhere near as welcoming and loving as the church family I had in GA - and this congregation is better than most in the area, I think. I really miss my church in GA and it makes Sundays very difficult. I miss those folks and their genuine love for God and each other. I guess I'm also seeing how I need to welcome folks into the church (and in my home, and in general) more openly, as well, rather than being shy as I usually am. To be proactive and conversational in loving them, which is, again, not in my comfort zone but so necessary.

And so when I'm sitting in church, missing my GA church, I keep butting up against the chapters in 1 Corinthians about divisions in the church. I know that Christ is not divided and He works mightily, no matter which church I'm in, for wherever two or three are gathered in His name.... I know that He can love me and speak to me no matter which church I'm in. But is it wrong to feel so much more part of one church than another? I don't rightly know. Maybe it's something I have to get used to as I potentially keep moving all over the place. Maybe it's something I move back to Savannah for, to be in that church, to be in that "milk and honey place" as a friend put it. I don't really know....I just know I need to joyfully plant in this church and be open to meeting Christ and His people there.

teenage mutant ninja flowers

2007-06-22T23:24:00.001-04:00

Today I saw perchance the coolest flower I've ever seen in my life: a giant mutant siamese-twin black-eyed susan. I wish I had a picture of it to show you, but here's one in words (so it'll probably take a few thousand): There's lots of black-eyed susans on the island I work on, as it's apparently a native grass/plant that they like to have their in the recreated high marsh. Anyway, so we were walking along today and happened to be talking about the black-eyed susans, when I see one that looked more like a medium-sized sunflower. Lo and behold, it's actually a giant mutant siamese twin, or something like that. The stem was like a wide ribbon, about 1 1/4" wide and flat, with a rib on either side (like 2 stems stretched apart). At the top of the stem, it looked like 2 flower heads fused face to face, with their stamens super-enlarged (it almost looked like lips or a venus fly trap) and their small anthers circling them, with the peduncle (if that's what it's called? I forget) on the back of each half. It was crazy-looking.

What else this week...I've been getting bombarded by mosquitos and dive-bombed by common terns (they drop & fly about 1 foot above my head, because we have to walk close to their nests). I have mosquito bites all over my arms and neck (hey, just like my tan lines!), but I guess at least the mosquitos are well-fed.

Oh yeah, and I have an awesome Indiana Jones-ish hat now. It makes me enjoy every day just a little bit more because I get to wear it to work every day. Even my shadow makes me smile in the midst of the mosquitos and sand and all :-).

Cool things I saw this week:
- Mutant flower
- Divebombing terns
- tenacious mosquitoes
- the faces of high school students on a tour when I tagged one of the turtles they were releasing with a 12-guage needle

C Minor

2007-06-15T23:17:00.000-04:00

"Open wide my door, my Lord, to whatever makes me love you more." - mewithoutYou.

For the second day in a row at work, no nests. But, I did get to see a mating aggregation of horsehoe crabs, which was really cool. Lots of males jockeying for position with the females (avg. 6 males per female; males 5-8" across, females 12-14" across). Lots of clusters of these all up and down the beach, and a number of males were washed up on shore, too. I don't know if it was the time of year or the abnormally cool weather or what exactly prompted them to do this, but we saw at least 70 horseshoe crabs today. And although the cool day at work meant no nests, it also meant that walking was far more comfortable and less exhausting.

Then tonight I watched my little brother's high school graduation - I'm so proud of my little bro! I also got to see extended family members, which has become a rare treat as I move to more distant locales and don't have regularly scheduled (if any) holidays.

I also got two letters today that were a huge blessing to me. I like letters, a lot. It turns out I can get mail down in MD, so if you want my address, please ask!

Back to the subject and the opening sentence...God has been giving me little things to smile at throughout the day to lift my spirits and remind me He's close, I think. It's pretty lonely in MD, even with research assistants coming and going each week. And around a bunch of scientists and other folks who don't always put God first in their language, well, it feels like it's easy to miss Him. But there are little things, little ways He makes me smile. So small I can't even recall most of them off the top of my head..but enough to lift me and remind me that He's there with me, watching out for me & loving me. And hopefully the ensuing, enduring response will be to love Him more.

tidbits

2007-06-13T16:56:00.000-04:00

We found 3 nests today, which isn't too shabby, but less than I was hoping. We did get one nest right as the mother was finishing laying it, so we captured her to take measurements and tag her (as we do with all live terrapins we find).

There were also an insane amount of mosquitos today. I literally could hardly walk for swatting them - I must have killed 50 on my arms alone in 3 minutes. One I got in the middle of a big, juicy bite. The prof doesn't like deet on the eggs, but we didn't really have a choice but to use bug spray (on ourselves, not the eggs). I did see a river otter, a muskrat, an eagle, the eagle being chased by least terns (which are maybe 6" long), and some very big horseshoe crabs.

The prof. and I have been talking a lot about setting up a side experiment regarding the terrapins. I'm definitely excited about this, and it may lead to masters' research material it seems. I definitely need to seek God's direction on what to do with that potential future step and where He wants me to go, as I'm still not feeling very strongly pulled in one way or another career-wise.

I've also been trying to find a church down here in MD. I went to the one church on the island 2 Sundays ago, and it wasn't a good fit for me: the people weren't very welcoming, and there were some statements that didn't seem quite theologically sound. I found a PCA church in the next decent-sized town (40 minutes away) this Sunday, which I like. The people aren't as friendly as in GA, but are fairly welcoming for a northern church, I guess. I'm hoping that I'll get to go there often enough to put down some roots; I'm still not sure when and how much I'll be working on weekends. This weekend I won't get to go because I'm going home for my little bro's high school graduation! Yayyyy! I'm really excited for him, and excited to go home.

Cool things I've seen the past few days:
- A hail storm while sitting inside a car with a sun roof. So cool!
- Another wicked storm blow out of the north last night, big thick black clouds.
- Black-eyed susans all over this barren island.
- Turtle nests, of course. Actually, I see those in my sleep, literally.

Fair skin used to be stylish

2007-06-09T20:57:00.000-04:00

Farmer tan, farmer tan
Looks as cool as a sunburn can
Rings my neck
and my arms
'Neath the sleeve, pale to alarm
Look out! Here comes the farmer tan.

Is it red? Listen, bud
It's as red as mosquito blood.
Does it hurt
every day?
It's been marked by burning rays.
Hey there, There goes farmer tan.

In the heat of sun
Thanks to photons galore
My tan line's begun
It is a real eyesore.

Farmer tan, farmer tan
All my neighbors have farmer tans
'Cause our work has no shade
But hey, at least
we get paid.

If I'm inside, all my fun's up
So any day that the sun's up,
You'll find the farmer tan!

we have a winner!

2007-06-04T16:13:00.000-04:00

so...I found my first turtle nest today!

It poured buckets yesterday and this morning, so a) I was soaking wet by 9AM and b) it washed away all the tracks/nest marks that turtles had left this weekend and c) terrapins like to nest right after it rains. Not only did I see the telltale tracks, but I was able to see & dig up the nests too! It's pretty cool, I'll put up a picture once I get a digital camera (which will be, um, soon?).

The nest starts about 4" below the ground surface, and is flask-shaped, so when you're digging the first way you find it is when this little hole 4" under the ground caves in and your finger pokes through the little hole and into the bigger opening (the "egg chamber"). Then you excavate a little more and inside the egg chamber are usually about 9-14 1.25" long, .75" diameter eggs that look...well, kinda like light pink rugby balls is the best way I can describe it, I guess. Blunt ends, not like a chicken egg. When they're freshly laid, they're pink; after about 24 hours they turn white and once they turn white you can't handle them anymore because the baby turtles have started to develop inside and you don't want to scramble them. The shells are leathery, and easy to bend/break, not like a bird egg. Then you dig up the eggs and count them and mass them and record lots of data (but only if they're pink do you count/mass them, of course). Then you put them back, mark the nest with flags, recover the nest with dirt, and put mesh on it to keep out the predators.

We found 6 nests today, 5 of which predators hadn't gotten to yet. It was pretty cool, to learn how to follow more cryptic turtle tracks and see what I'm actually looking for and find the nests. Last week I had a couple days where I saw tracks and I dug and dug and couldn't find the nests no matter what, so finding these today felt pretty good.

Cool things I saw today:
- A 5 foot long, 2" diameter banded water snake that I nearly stepped on and I'm surprised didn't bite me
- A willet nest I almost stepped on (I was looking too hard for turtle tracks, I guess)
-Turtle nests!
- An osprey catch a fish and fly away with it in his talons

so much sun

2007-05-31T18:11:00.000-04:00

So I've been down here in MD at my main research site for about a week now. Here's how it works and what I'm doing:

I'm working for a prof whose main study site is on the western side of the Chesapeake Bay. My site is an unpopulated island on the eastern shore of the Chesapeake, an island that had all but eroded away 10 years ago and they've been rebuilding. My job is to find the diamondback terrapin nests as they're laid (which should start happening any day), mark them, count & measure all the eggs. Then about 60 days later, I'll catch the hatchlings from that nest, mark & tag them, count & measure them, and then let them go.

So far it's been going well, even though I haven't found any nests yet and hadn't seen turtle tracks prior to today. I pretty much walk all over the 1140-acre island all day, along 3 specific sites. Lots of walking. There's also no shade; my ears got pretty burnt today despite sunscreen. I'm thinking of buying a straw cowboy hat, even though the guys on the island would probably tease me for it. The island is unpopulated, and the only way over is by ferry (leaves at 7am, back at 3:30pm), and there's maybe 20 or so men working on the island, building it and doing maintenance and chemical tests and all. There's a big culture among them of giving each other a hard time, which i don't really mind, but wouldn't want to flat-out provoke. However, my ears do hurt pretty badly so I might buy a hat regardless. And put on sunscreen more often; I'm surprised I'm not more badly burnt than I am.

I do like it here, though, and am hoping to explore this weekend the little 1000-person island town I'm living in. Apparently, as it's a small town, everybody's already talking about me, for better or for worse :-).

Some cool things I saw today:
- my first set of turtle tracks
- lots of redwinged blackbirds
- a mother leading her baby ducks over the cracked mudscape and them falling into the cracks and then hopping out

newness

2007-05-26T19:17:00.000-04:00

Since my phone doesn't work so well at my apartment in MD, I'm setting up this blog in hopes of keeping up with all my friends. I'm hoping to share pictures & stories of what I'm doing because, unfortunately, I don't get to hang out with you and tell you what's going on every day. And please talk back to me, either here or e-mail or however you feel like doing so! :-)